The Day I Learned I Don't Want To Be A Pilot

Despite a few setbacks and bumps in the road, I FINALLY had my first flight as Emirates Cabin Crew yesterday. And despite being majoring exhausted after the flight, I loved it! Here is the recap of my day...

-Arrived at the Emirates Headquarter two and a half hours before my flight

-Attended a flight briefing meeting in a room with a long table, leather chairs, and a flat screen Television. The kind of a room I've only seen in movies, where businessmen gather to make really important decisions, smoke cigars, etc.

-Transported from headquarters to the airport on a bus with the flight and cabin crew, and was dropped off on the tarmac, right next to our Boeing 777 airplane.

-Reached the aircraft by climbing up a set of stairs that resembled the ones Richard Geere used to get to Julia Roberts in Pretty Women. Kept pretending to cough so I could “play cool” and cover up the huge smile I was wearing from the pure excitement of it all.

-Boarded all of our passengers and blasted off.

-Changed into my cabin shoes, and realized they felt a tiny bit snug, but knew that after wearing them a few hours, they would stretch.

-Literally did not sit down, except to use the toilet twice, once throughout the course of the four hours flight. Served fancy drinks, handed out beef and chicken meals, answered call bells, reapplied my whorish, bright red lip stick, passed out blankets, chatted with passengers, and answered more call bells. Nonstop I tell you, NONSTOP!

-Landed in Istanbul, Turkey, disembarked the original posse, and loaded up another group.

-Entered the cockpit to observe take off. Sat silently in the extra jump seat with a pair of large headphones to listen to the communication between various pilots and Air Traffic Control. Pondered how cool it would be to be a pilot, and how much I would enjoy their salary. How hard could it possibly be…

-Exited the cockpit after we had reached our cruising altitude of 37000 feet and reassumed my role as cabin crew.

-Realized that it had been six plus hours since my original ping of discomfort from the tight shoes had occurred. They were definitely not stretching, and due to my feet being swollen from flying, the shoes were in fact getting tighter!

-Spilled a half cup of orange juice on a ladies jacket while clearing trays. I was very apologetic, and I don’t think she even said one mean thing to me following my mistake….she only spoke Turkish.

-Attended to more call bells, walked up and down the aisle about fifty times bringing thirsty customers glasses of water, and responded with, "Yes, yes I am," when 41D asked if I was new...

-Awarded a ten minute break from the madness, and was invited up to business class where I devoured a delicious cheese and olive platter, a fancy tuna sandwich, and a scrumptious chocolate desert. They don’t give you the chocolate dessert on Southwest Airlines….

-Entered the cockpit to observe landing, and was informed it may be bumpy as we were going through some strong weather patterns. Placed the headphones over my ears and listened to nothing but conversations that involved numbers for 10 solid minutes, while watching the shifting weather patterns on the computer screens.

-Remembered that I’m not a numbers kind a person, and that my sister in law actually passed my online Intro to Meteorology class for me in college.

- Nearly pissed by skirt while starring at the narrow runway, and began counting down the seconds until I would meet Jesus. 5,4,3,2,

-Said a little prayer of gratitude for landing safely, and decided I was much better suited for working in the back on the plane.

-Disembarked passengers, exited the aircraft and carried my roll aboard suitcase down the narrow staircase. Was half surprised, and a little disappointed when Richard Geere was not there waiting at the bottom with flowers.


-Boarded the bus, was transported back to headquarters, and drifted in and out of sleep during the second bus ride that brought me safely back to my apartment.

-Hobbled into my apartment around 3:00 A.M., removed every last trace of clown makeup from my face, and slept for a solid 10 hours.

Staycation 2012…I’ll miss you. Friendly skies….it’s good to be back!